phase one / a distraction from a decision
around the end of 2022, i tried playing valorant. i was the end of a very long semester at school, i was very tired with my romantic relationship at the time. we felt falling apart, less present, i no longer felt safe, everything seemed dull. so right after finishing the finals, i asked my friends to teach me how to play valorant.
at the beginning, i made a mistake of setting the mouse’s sensitivity too high (4.2), making it a really hard time for me to aim. out of fear, i always used shotguns instead of rifles. it forced me to play in close range, which wasn’t the smartest thing to do now that i think about it. i was very bad at for a very long time, but at the same time, i was very into it, played for several hours since i didn’t have any schoolwork anymore. and also, i wanted to spend some time doing something else other than chasing after my boyfriend at the same. during this phase, i was in pain because i felt like he didn’t need me nor enjoy my presence anymore.
then came the day that i decided to break up with my boyfriend at the time. i was at a cafe in a strange city after a long trip on motorcycle to the place. sleep deprived, sore legs, so tired that i thought i could burst out into tears at any moments, but to my own surprise, i didn’t cry easily. after saying i want to break up, i felt relieved. then, i felt nothing. i sat there without any thoughts in my head for a long while, completely lost contact with what was going on for an hour, fell asleep on the couch. my ex asked a lot of stuff, about was i really sure of this decision. we ended in peace, no drama was caused, but no sadness came either.
phase two / almost an addiction
i continued playing valorant. in fact, i played so much that it got to the point of a light addiction at some point. i got more talkative after the breakup so very soon, i got to know some new friends. i remembered playing from the moment i wake up until very late at night. instead of spending time processing what just happened, i shut down everything and focused on games. i stopped going to cafe, stopped keeping a journal, stopped watching videos about money management. i went to gaming centers instead, drank so many sodas, ate so many instant noodles, spent times with friends on my server. even until today, i still don’t know what to get out of that, but i’m proud to say that i enjoyed myself so much more during that time, comparing to 3 years i was with my ex. i laughed so much more, i cried so much less.
phase three / the old me
before my ex, i had this crazy character traits of whenever i want to meet someone, i will go meet them. no matter how far away they are, i can just suddenly pull out my motorcycle, drive to a different city to meet them. i drove to the nearest seashore on a whim just because i was sick of my city; i took a bus to meet a friend who was 120km away, who would join the military a few days later; me and my friends drove to a mountain area at 2 in the morning just because we wanted to; i watched the fireworks with my friends at midnight when i was having a bad fever just 1 hour earlier.
but during the relationship with my ex, i didn’t do any of that. i was scared, i was getting smaller. i don’t know what happened, but i’m not proud of that.
so when i got to know that a new friend on valorant lives in a city located next to mine, i didn’t hesitate to drive 2 hours to meet him. although the trip wasn’t good, i felt really great. i felt fearless all over again. i realized that this is what i should be doing more. i forgot this version of myself for so long that this lone trip was so satisfying and eye-opening. i ate something new there, went around, admired new, strange streets, sat in a new cafe, enjoyed the last drop of winter.
phase four / getting better
i’m proud to say that i’m getting better at valorant. i have insane aiming sometimes that even surprises myself. i understand different maps better and i’m having fun playing it. however, it no longer acts as an escape for me. it acts as a skill for me to obtain and get better. that’s my personal character development for a non-disney princess.
you know, valorant taught me something: you can never know what can help you mentally.
random montages (uploading continuously because i’m hyped)
H. Thu An 